I’ve said it so many times to various people over the past few months, that I can actually hear myself saying it in my head: “I’m totally over him”, “It’s his loss” and “All he makes me feel is angry now”… and he did. But he also made me feel sad, and hurt, and confused, and then angry all over again.
And now I know that it was all because I hadn’t let go. Not really, really, properly let go. I wanted to believe I had, and more importantly wanted my friends and family to believe I had.
But I hadn’t… not until the other day when:
I found out he’s dating someone new.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
For the next hour my stomach was knotted and I couldn’t concentrate. I was at work, and my mind went into irrational over-drive: WHO (is she)? WHEN (did this start happening)? WHERE (did he take her on their ‘dates’)? WHY (did it have to be her, not me)? HOW (could I stop this happening)?
And then I was hit by something else. Another thought.
WHY does any of that even matter?
He’s made his decision. He actually made it a while ago now. All he’s doing is trying to find his own happiness, and analysing this (and stalking this new girl on every social media platform I can possibly find her on) is in no way going to help me find mine. We both deserve to be happy, right? And if his happiness doesn’t include me, then I shouldn’t push that.
And when I really think about my future, like, really really think about it (I’m talking: townhouse, tapestry rug, more ikea bookshelves than in the ikea show-room itself), can I place him in it? Do I really see him there? And as strange as it sounds, considering how many hours I’ve wasted thinking about him and trying to be the person that I thought he wanted, the answer is no, I don’t think I do.
And I realised that I am able to let him go. And the sooner I do that, the easier it’ll be. And that I’ve got to be able to make my own happiness before I let someone else do that for me. Most importantly right now I need to focus on my career – my current job is fun, but I know it’s just a place-holder. I know that I’m capable of so much more and I need to set the wheels in motion with that.
So don’t, please, waste your energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be. There are hundreds of people who are going to love and value you so much more.
You can do better.